So basically,I think too much.
It's the type of thinking that I do late at night,when everyone else is tucked up and soaring through their endless dreamworlds.I lay there and I stare at the ceiling..and I think about all the bad things I've done.And all the awkward,embarrassing,horrifying,degrading,loathsome things I've ever said or done to someone,and to myself, in my 17 years on this ever turning planet.All the negative ways I've influenced someone's life,even if they've equally influenced mine.
There are a multitude of subjects that tend to stem from there.It branches to emotions and I relive them.I play out old scenarios in my head like a broken video camera and I try to correct them -what would I have changed and made different,had I foreseen the impact? Sometimes I'll even end up frightening myself with the anger and the pain that surfaces,simply from remembering certain events.Yes,maybe I'll end up in tears by the end but who cares?
And I get scared again,because I'm letting it all back in and I can't let it in.
Despite that train of thought,I really cannot help it.Just kind of happens and it's always very sudden to.I could be talking to someone with a name that sounds familiar to a negative character or place from my past and boom.I'm instantly shot down.Right between the sternum.Piledrived to the ground faster than you can say WWF.Beaten.The End.Good day.
Anyway,I usually try and turn my attention to other things but honestly,once I'm in that mindset,there's really not much I can do to avoid the negativity.Thoughts about death floats through my mind like an old,unwelcome acquaintance.Not suicidal really,just death in general.Death of family,friends,of me,even celebrities..a real rush of fear hurtles through me when I remember that I have no control over it.I tend to sob for the future me and her loneliness.It's very selfish,I think, but it's true.
Sometimes I get a shot of night terrors.I'll start to brood and become afraid of the dark.These episodes,thankfully,are getting shorter and shorter,but they still happen.It's not really the dark that I'm afraid of,just whatever might be in it.It's as if my brain suddenly says "Hey,remember that scary thing you heard about all those years ago? Well I bet it's in the room with you,or coming to get you,Amy."
Fuck you too,brain.
By now in the transition,I'm at that middle ground between sleep and reality.I'm not quite gone,but neither really 'there' but there are so many,too many,things buzzing around my head that it's physically making me exhausted to think of.I wish for repose to take me.
Even now,right here behind the keyboard, it's getting harder for me to type anything more.All the thoughts are infuriating to me.I get those moments where I wonder "why me?" but then I guess it's shaped my character.These nights,filled with rampant ideas and thoughts happen often because I contain so much self-doubt and everlasting worry some days.Truthfully,I ponder on how I've survived this long without going insane,because surely no-one has the mental capacity to think on 300 disjointed pathways all at once,right?
And the worst part about all of this is that there's no relief.
It might go away for a short time,but anxiety creeps back into my head and feeds off of my logic like a parasite.Sucks the life from it till there's nothing left.
As a result,I am deprived of proper sleep,kept barely awake by the vicious cycles in my head.A couple of hours in the blissful unconscious at the most.I rise feeling even worse than before.From there it just happens again and again until somehow I manage to avoid it entirely for a few days..maybe even a week or two if I'm lucky.
If you've read this far,then you're one of two things : sympathetic,or freaked out.This was a pointless post and I'm not sure that I'll even publish it.I don't know if this is helpful or just depressing for you.Maybe a mixture of both.It's just a short,gloomy look inside of my mind.
Isn't it funny how powerful the mind can be?
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