It's Too Cliché.

Speaking from personal experience,indulging in any sort of romantic venture is complicated business.

Can you relate?

Is it just me that finds it inexplicably awkward and more difficult to navigate than the Amazon Rainforest? 

I'm so lost all of time.Maybe I'm being hit on,maybe I'm not.Maybe they like me,or maybe they don't.I can't tell and I don't know HOW to tell.Even the internet can't help me with that.People are so individual inside and though we'd be boring without such a trait,it's all the more confusing in the dating world. 

I've supposed that consistent physical touch could indicate a candidate,but that theory has been wrong in the past. An abnormal level of personal interest always left me wondering whether there had been something more than simple face value only then for me to find out that the person was just doggone nosy! Then there's the age old dilemma of a lack of confidence in myself - after all,why would anyone ever like me as anything more than a friend?

Nope,I really can't answer that question because I don't know. 

I guess I'm young,so at least I've got that going for me.Experience comes with age though,8 out of 10 times. I can't tell you the amount of books and articles I've read ( much to my shame.) about body language,in the hopes to somehow crack this code. But to no avail;I'm still clueless.

I'll just have to hope that one day I'll wake up and magically understand how it all works.

A Letter To The Homophobic.

I'm sick of this constant religious bigotry towards homosexuals.People really need to stop quoting from a simple text that has no place in our current century. It's been used as a crutch for those ignorant enough to use it to attack people's freedoms for far too long.No more intolerance.Homosexuality and common marriage have been around for far longer than the book that so many people lean on to support their prejudice and arguments.Far longer than ANY of the books used,for that matter.Marriage in any event was the joining of people for different purposes,including wealth,land ownership and love.Did y'get that? LOVE.

Yes,I know that there are some people who just don't like 'the gays'.It's a sad fact of life that you can't have everyone like you all of the time but unfortunately most of it's built on prejudice,misunderstanding and old,outdated values.

I'm really tired of this subject,mostly because I cannot understand why it's still such an issue for so many people. The 2013 Christian male trims his beard. Christian farmers will sow different kinds of seeds in the same plot,right? Christian females still wear two different types of cloth on the same day and make no hesitation when offered a juicy shellfish platter or a cheeky prawn cocktail.According to your book,all of these things are unlawful.Please do look it up if you must but can you see the common denominator?

Difference.Some people are so scared of it.

And no,I won't take your 'Old Testament' excuse.No more picking and choosing.It's your life guidance book so why don't you live by it? Because it's practises are fucking stupid,that's why. You know that.You accept that shellfish is tasty and so you eat it,you accept that different kinds of cloth make a warmer garment,so you put them together. You accept and understand that the rape and murder of men,women and children is wrong and so you DONT DO IT,even though the bible so clearly lays these situations out that 'God' himself fulfils. 
We're living in a world of science and development and honestly,I think it's about time people stopped clinging to a contradictory scripture.

Those that preach commands regarding homosexuality from the book often bring nothing more than misery and suffering,with a disgusting level of ignorance. Not only does it proclaim,in Leviticus,more than once that homosexuality is an 'abomination' but some stretch to believe that it is some kind of disease to be cured by the 'love of God'.Furthermore if we're arguing over these points being given as 'Jew Laws' from 'God' then why are people still fretting and looking down upon gay people in this day and age?
It makes no logical sense.

Do you understand how this makes people feel? To be ostracized and treated as if this is all some kind of horrid 'phase' that will pass but never does? To be cast out and shunned by an entire community of people who make you feel isolated and as though you're polluting the very air they breathe,simply by living? It's not a wonder suicide rates are so high in gay and lesbian teenagers.
But after all,it's so much easier to carry on with the discrimination of gay marriage and relationships than to stop mixing fabrics,right?

Humanity horrifies me.

Can We Have Faith In Humanity? - A Shortened Summary On Broad Topics.

With everything that seems to be going to pot in the world at the moment (Syria,battling the ever-constant religious and political hordes,yada yada.) I felt like I should write up an insight post with some brief descriptions of my stances.I feel as if I've built up enough experiences to confidently answer the question "can we have faith in humanity?" in my own words.If you want the summary of my post,skip to the end.If you're interested,I invite you to read on.


So I cannot help but feel helpless.I'm just one person and with as much awareness of the world as I have,I can't do anything about anything.And neither can you for that matter - unless you so happen to be the King of the world.I'll be the first to admit that as a 'citizen of earth',I don't feel awfully secure.It's not a complete surprise,given the inevitable psychopaths running around,the tyrant governments and the general sheep-like behavior that we humans appear to cling at.Furthermore,we're hooked on all that morbid crap.

Turning towards a particular angle,I'd like to target the concept of 'society'.It's very much ingrained within many of us that 'society' is the blame..the root of all evil as it were.'Society' pressures people.I consider that to be wrong - People pressure people.Maybe they're one and the same,but I thoroughly despise this overused,blanket statement that seems to be used as a phrase for shrugging things off like they're perfectly acceptable occurrences. Eating disorders,Suicides and even Rape is swept beneath the rug,put down to 'society's' curse.Though I agree that the media influence upon young people today is abused and often twisted,I do sense a severe lack of responsibility from those who should find themselves more than capable of dealing with the effects of said media.

That being said - is it a simple case of not knowing how to deal with these problems? If so,surely that can and should be addressed.

Now,on the tangent of religion (which,believe you-me,I could go on about all day.),I am well and truly stumped by the pure ignorance because the thing is,humans are intelligent.If we weren't,we wouldn't have gotten this far.Before any church-goers out there start ranting at me,let me explain that I do not hate you.I've got nothing against you - I simply detest your beliefs in the same way that I'm sure you detest mine and that is fair enough.We don't have to hate each other for it.
So how is it that a bit of blind faith,a couple of self-contradicting books along with the promise of an eternal heaven of which we have absolutely no proof here-nor-there that it exists (Or doesn't,granted),make us go buckwild? Well,it's pretty easy in all honesty.

Fear.

Religion instils power,be it to a person or deity.Power instils fear.We all know about fear,don't we?

It's all quite primal to think about but in caveman terms,if a bigger man with a stick shakes it at you and tells you'll end up in the equivalent of an oversized bonfire pit,filled with grim demons that poke you with pitchforks in odd places if you don't do as a sacred,pure and relatively harmless-looking book tells you,you're bound to at least give it a moment of thought.That's when it begins,at those first,creeping moments of fear.A lot of religious folk will put it under the 'guise of loving,worshipping and serving God for his wholesomeness.They are in the position because they're too bothered about the after-life to care about wasting their current one.It's maddening to me.Furthermore,people are terrified of being alone in the world without a 'divine' guide. (I don't blame them,it's scary.)

I don't mind the people who follow religions though,and I know that sounds odd.I have a few religious friends myself and they're quite pleasant indeed.I almost feel a bit sad when I think about it.Not all religious people are radical either - I pretty much only identify hatred for the religion itself and it's as if someone's been snatched away from a living a free life because of it.Religion is a restraint.A glass box.

Something that I find to be one of the most loathsome things that anyone can do,is to indoctrinate a child.But you can of course see the logic..to prey on the vulnerability of their emotions and essentially scare them into living their lives to 'God's' standards.It ensures perfect compliance and obedience - at least until the child grows up and realises that they're able to think for themselves.

As I am hoping you can see - Humans can be really screwed up.Weakness is picked at in any way,shape or form.


At this point in time,I have taken a break from my typing.I find a cup of tea clears the mind suitably.Right - back to it I suppose.

Let's talk a bit about politics,shall we? I don't consider myself particularly well-versed in this area,but I can at least outline what I despise about it : The flip-flopping,the lies and the in-house warfare.Presidents and Prime Ministers appear to go full circle from complaining about their predecessor then doing exactly what the predecessor did,promising things that we all knew wouldn't be kept,essentially make things even worse than before and to top it all off : half of them fancy themselves as a 21st century Napoleon Bonaparte.

"But I want my war!" - Every significant leader ever.
(Alright,it's a generalization.I'm trying to add some humor to an otherwise dull subject.)

As a group,country,movement..whatever,we place our trust in other humans that we consider capable of holding us together - kind of like glue.We go through the very same processes,over and over with the picking and choosing of government members,only to 'discover' that actually,we don't like them that much anymore because they just didn't do what they'd promised.It's like kids in a sweet shop and the officials running the country aren't much better.I'm not saying we need to be rid of the authority because in some ways it's vital.All I'm questioning is the constant headache of politics.


Moving on from there,the next thing I want to talk about is individuality.In the same way that people pressure people (relating to my society segment) - people also build others up.What I mean by that,is that we spend a minority of our lives being told that we're destined for great things as a child.In such a heavily media-influenced world,celebrities and the like are idols to the younger generation.I feel as though teenagers and older children are feeling the types of pressures which set them up for failure before they've even begun.So much is expected of them that,along with the harrowing desire to be unique and individual,in their minds nothing is good enough.They are expected to act as adults,take adult life situations and be able to deal with them adequately,all the while they're being treated like children when the fancy is taken and with the added hyena mentality of popular media,it's a sure fire way to send a kid insane.From what I've seen (again,this is NOT typical of all of the later generations) once a child or teenager has fallen in to a stereotyped social group,they are deemed irretrievable.There is still a huge amount of stigma.In a very tragic way,both technological and evolutionary developments have formed this problem in the minds of young people - Make no mistake,I'm one of them.

Speaking of stigma,it's still a massively confusing to me that in 2013 we still apparently have trouble accepting different races and sexual orientations.Neither can be 'chosen'.Speaking in bias for my own sexuality - I already understand the niggling fears of not being accepted.The same,I'm sure,goes for those of other races.Casual racism can be observed quite readily,be that by mature generations or by those of a separate,racist culture.Yet again,fear comes into play.People really don't like what they can't understand!

"Just because something makes you feel uncomfortable,doesn't mean that it's wrong." - Daniel Sulzbach.

We also observe the common theme of 'tradition' throughout history as a scapegoat for justifying doing wrong.When are we going to grow up and face the fact that no matter how much we try to force a stationary world,it just won't work? It's a shame that some developing countries still have this extremely dangerous problem.


What a mess,right?
I guess you can see my doubts thus far.I am constantly afraid for my species and the fact of the matter is : we just don't know what will happen next.That isn't to say that we should all start wearing sandwich boards and advertise that the end is nigh just yet.The mere happenstance of being human is pretty beautiful - We're living,breathing,lovely and squidgy.We make things happen,good and bad.We're conscious (for the most part) of our actions and how they affect matter.We're doctors,scientists,ballerinas,entertainers,fast food workers and cat enthusiasts.And we are brilliantly emotional things.All of this can't be enough for redemption though,can it?

We're so inwardly conflicted.We're great but we're horrific all at the very same time.It's quite spiritual in a way and yet our true monster appears only in actual worldly reality,where it counts the most.I am terrified that we'll run ourselves into the ground with all of the fuckery going on.

Anyway,I suppose the real question at root here has yet to be answered.I am very confident in my answer and I hope that you'll understand why I gave it this way.It's probably not a satisfying answer either but thank you for reading to the end.

When I asked myself,as I wrote the last words of this post, "Can we have faith in Humanity?"

I replied, "I just don't know."

Anxiety.

I don't want to shout about what I have to say here,though if even one person from the wonderful interwebz sees this piece of pointless writing,I'll be content.I advise you not to read this if you're in a particularly cheerful mood,but if like me,you have anxiety issues,then understand that you are not and never will be alone.

So basically,I think too much.

It's the type of thinking that I do late at night,when everyone else is tucked up and soaring through their endless dreamworlds.I lay there and I stare at the ceiling..and I think about all the bad things I've done.And all the awkward,embarrassing,horrifying,degrading,loathsome things I've ever said or done to someone,and to myself, in my 17 years on this ever turning planet.All the negative ways I've influenced someone's life,even if they've equally influenced mine.

There are a multitude of subjects that tend to stem from there.It branches to emotions and I relive them.I play out old scenarios in my head like a broken video camera and I try to correct them -what would I have changed and made different,had I foreseen the impact? Sometimes I'll even end up frightening myself with the anger and the pain that surfaces,simply from remembering certain events.Yes,maybe I'll end up in tears by the end but who cares? 

And I get scared again,because I'm letting it all back in and I can't let it in.

Despite that train of thought,I really cannot help it.Just kind of happens and it's always very sudden to.I could be talking to someone with a name that sounds familiar to a negative character or place from my past and boom.I'm instantly shot down.Right between the sternum.Piledrived to the ground faster than you can say WWF.Beaten.The End.Good day.

Anyway,I usually try and turn my attention to other things but honestly,once I'm in that mindset,there's really not much I can do to avoid the negativity.Thoughts about death floats through my mind like an old,unwelcome acquaintance.Not suicidal really,just death in general.Death of family,friends,of me,even celebrities..a real rush of fear hurtles through me when I remember that I have no control over it.I tend to sob for the future me and her loneliness.It's very selfish,I think, but it's true.

Sometimes I get a shot of night terrors.I'll start to brood and become afraid of the dark.These episodes,thankfully,are getting shorter and shorter,but they still happen.It's not really the dark that I'm afraid of,just whatever might be in it.It's as if my brain suddenly says "Hey,remember that scary thing you heard about all those years ago? Well I bet it's in the room with you,or coming to get you,Amy."

Fuck you too,brain.

By now in the transition,I'm at that middle ground between sleep and reality.I'm not quite gone,but neither really 'there' but there are so many,too many,things buzzing around my head that it's physically making me exhausted to think of.I wish for repose to take me.

Even now,right here behind the keyboard, it's getting harder for me to type anything more.All the thoughts are infuriating to me.I get those moments where I wonder "why me?" but then I guess it's shaped my character.These nights,filled with rampant ideas and thoughts happen often because I contain so much self-doubt and everlasting worry some days.Truthfully,I ponder on how I've survived this long without going insane,because surely no-one has the mental capacity to think on 300 disjointed pathways all at once,right?

And the worst part about all of this is that there's no relief.

It might go away for a short time,but anxiety creeps back into my head and feeds off of my logic like a parasite.Sucks the life from it till there's nothing left.

As a result,I am deprived of proper sleep,kept barely awake by the vicious cycles in my head.A couple of hours in the blissful unconscious at the most.I rise feeling even worse than before.From there it just happens again and again until somehow I manage to avoid it entirely for a few days..maybe even a week or two if I'm lucky.

If you've read this far,then you're one of two things : sympathetic,or freaked out.This was a pointless post and I'm not sure that I'll even publish it.I don't know if this is helpful or just depressing for you.Maybe a mixture of both.It's just a short,gloomy look inside of my mind.

Isn't it funny how powerful the mind can be?

Being Quiet.

This one's all about being quiet,and the social repercussions of doing so,from the viewpoint of a very quiet person.


So I'd better explain what I mean by 'quiet' - I'm that kind of person who doesn't appear to do anything out of place,normal or obscure.I'm the one who stands alone in a room,away from the majority group in most instances.I have selective views and opinions,but I'm not about to shout them from the rooftops (She says,writing it all up in a blogpost.Sweet irony.)
I don't enjoy activities that are considered appropriate for my age group;clubbing,drinking,drugs and the like.In fact I quietly hate all of these things and I feel sorry for those that succumb to the peer pressures.But again,I won't voice the concerns unless someone else asks me.

Like everyone,I have my own silent secrets - some a lot darker than others.I've spent time delving into topics many wouldn't dare.

I like my own company.It's when I am most relaxed,yet also when I'm at my most sensitive to outside influence.Being alone and able to organise personal thoughts is quite a rush at times though.Call me odd.

I prefer to stay silent in group conversation because most of the time,I'm analysing.Constantly analysing every member of the circle.If anxiety doesn't have me in it's grips already,I'm thinking of interesting things to say but I never end up saying anything.

As a result of my quietness,I rarely make strong connections to new people.Confrontation is almost impossible for me.I do sometimes wish that I'd spent more time talking and less time thinking..it may have given me an easier path.Then after all that,I remember that I am an intelligent,thinking human being with the ability to conceive separate ideas about the world.And that makes me happier.That gives me more purpose.

What I hate the most about being quiet is how others portray me.I mean the whole "Don't bother with her,she doesn't speak much.",because believe me,when I want to have an indepth conversation,my speech flows at an incredible rate with (what I consider) a good level of understanding.Equally,I find it much easier to convey my thoughts via a keyboard.When I'm immersed in a subject,I could talk for hours and have done.If I'm invested in a another human,you'll know about it.People that don't give others a chance to come out of their shell is my problem..

Why does everything have to be so chop and change? Is life speeding by for some at such a rate that they have no time to understand? How unfortunate for them.

It's the age old dilemma of patience and open-mindedness,that so many people seem to lack,I suppose.

Maybe we'll never solve it.